Different Eyes

Last year at this time, I was so scared of autism.

I thought it meant I would lose my child.
I thought it meant that he wouldn’t receive or want my love. I thought it meant that we wouldn’t ever be able to communicate with each other.
I thought it meant he would be lost and alone in his private world.
The fear of that took my breath away.

I thought it was crazy that people took comfort in the words of adult autistics.

They weren’t like my kid. They could talk.

But, while reading Neurotribes, I spent the past months reading and reading the words of adult autistics.

Words from adults who can’t speak, only type.

They are thoughtful, empathetic, strong, and nothing short of amazing. They have given me more insight into my little guy than any books by parents of autistics have.

Now, when I see Ryan making rapid mouth movements in front of the mirror, I don’t see a scary foreign stimming thing, I see a little boy practicing looking like he is talking. . .eagerly waiting to talk. I see myself standing in the background learning how to really listen.

Now, when I see Ryan dancing with his shadow, I don’t see a child who only wants to be alone, I see a boy who is a damned good choreographer and who is happy when we join him. Sometimes, I see a little buy who is creatively filling up space because he is bored and is waiting for someone to ask him to play.

Now, instead of not hearing him say, “Momma, I love you,” I feel him pull me to the couch, contentedly sigh, and snuggle. I feel so much love. Feeling is the best part, after all, isn’t it?

Some days are still hard, still scary. Because some days we get it wrong. Some days he is agitated, sad, restless, and we can’t guess what he needs. But, he’s helping us understand his language more and more each day.

Ryan brings each one of us so much joy. The first thing Willow said when she popped her eyes open this morning was, “Where’s Ryan?!” Not because she feels sorry for him, or wants to help him, but because he is fun to be around and has good ideas. Because he’s her big brother.

Ryan is happy, loving, creative, determined, and autistic.

We can’t wait to support him and cheer for every interest and skill that develops.

Today’s interest was the invention of Jazz Hands. Shadow Jazz Hands.